Bookshelf Confessional

Fuck Birthdays

2008-11-16T00:59:00.000-08:00

Another year, another birthday party.... I'm beginning to wonder why I even bother with them. Can't I just grow old in peace? Next year, please, I beg you, NO PARTIES! The last 2 years I've left my own birthday party in tears.... not the "aww you guys I can't believe you did this! Its awesome" kind of tears either, rather, the "Please just let me sleep and never wake up again" kind. Every year it seems to get better and better.

I refuse to go into detail here, I simply needed a place to vent where I knew none of the people that I didn't really want to start on me would be privy to my writings. I do so hope this is at least somewhat coherent as I'm a little on the drunkish side and I'm freezing so I'm lying in my bed as I write this shaking.

I ask you, why, when its my birthday does someone else feel the need to be the center of attention? On normal nights this happens and I never care... but tonight, tonight was MY night.... I get one a year.... Am I not allowed to have it? Why must the fact that you "planned" my party be thrown in my face? I got news for you... I planned the damn thing, I told you when and where and who to invite.... you sent out e-vites. Okay, I'll admit you did plan a dinner for me, and then were pissed off because I couldn't come for dinner. I'm terribly sorry, if my family is coming to celebrate with me I can't ditch them! You had my closest friends at a dessert that way supposed to be a surprise. Well guess what??? NONE OF YOU CAN KEEP SECRETS! I knew what was happening the whole time. I guess I'm a better actress than I thought... totally fooled you when I said it was complete surprise didn't I?

Okay wait a minute... now I just sound like a selfish little bitch here. There's clearly more to this story. I am quite grateful for the hard work that went into creating the facebook event in which everyone was invited to and I was absolutely ecstatic to see those near and dear to me gathered at the restaurant for the surprise dessert. I will give you that, you did take care into planning that and for it I am grateful.... Its the way you acted after a few too many drinks and the things that you said. Yes, I said things back of course.... however, the things that I said were true... nothing I haven't called you out on before (while completely sober I might add). I'm sorry if you can't accept the person you are. If its not me its your other best friend, funny how those actually weren't my words.... They belong to another of your friends... Everyone sees what you are, its not just me.

Thank you, for taking the time and effort to "plan" my birthday party, that was nice of you. Even more thanks for RUINING it because you can't stand the fact that someone else is getting more attention than you for one night!

There... with this out, maybe I can sleep. I don't feel any better, but maybe I can at least fall into some kind of sleep.... hopefully a deep one that will hold me until sometime in the early afternoon.

Chin, Chin, God Bless,
T

They Are Forgiven...

2008-10-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

So, last night I happened to be given an all access pass to the RyanDan concert in Oakville. I'd never heard of this band before in my life, but didn't have anything else to do so I thought "Meh, I'm not paying for this and I'm getting a backstage pass.... Why not?" To my surprise when I got there and shook hands with Ryan and Dan I almost died of laughter. I couldn't help but blurt out "I saw you guys when you were part of B4-4!" Do you remember B4-4? The spiky hair and horrible music (horrible, but I was a die hard teeny bopper, so naturally, I loved it!)
Needless to say, after spending some time with the guys in their dressing room before the show, I had to forgive them for the whole B4-4 mistake.... I mean, that hair.... really???? Anyway, they were super nice guys... I even got a wink from one of them.... Had that been 10 years ago, I may have melted right in my spot! Anyway, their concert was genuinely amazing. Their music is completely different then the pop-tastic stylings we're all used to from them, far better for sure.
After the concert I was invited to hang out with the guys at Paradiso, but I declined. I'm far too awkward for that lol. The backstage passes were given to me by my second cousin and it turns out that I have another one for the Sunday concert in Brampton. If I get off work early enough I just may go.

Anyway, if you haven't heard the musical stylings of RyanDan, I sincerely suggest that you check them out... you may be plesantly surprised.

Peace out,
Tanya

The World is a Stage and I'm the Actress- Old Blog Number 3

2008-10-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm stuck in this big bubble. The world that I want is on the outside and the world that I have is on the inside. The inside world has moments of shear greatness, but it seems that lately it has more moments of pain. A lot of things have happened in the past few months and they are continuing to happen. Some are good and some are bad.

I feel more lost than anything lately. Its like everything I do and everything I say is all part of an act. The world is my stage and in the past 24 years I've become a pretty decent actor. But, what happens when you just can't act anymore? I'm exhausted, I'm burned out. I don't want to get out of my bed anymore. I miss my social life. Above all else, I miss a sense of normalcy.

Have you ever felt completely alone even though you're surrounded by people? That's how I feel right now. I have tons of friends who I care deeply for, but I feel as though there's only 2 people that I can honestly talk to about the things that I'm feeling. Either the others won't get it or they really don't care about all aspects of why I feel this way.

I don't understand why people turn to me when their lives are falling apart, but when I don't feel like myself I can't turn to them. Instead of understanding and a shoulder to cry on I'm getting yelled at. I get told that I expect this person to save me and I want more from them than I really do. All of this is completely untrue. I want my friends, I want them to listen and offer advice. Ultimately I save myself. I am aware of the fact that only I can make myself happy, and its not that I'm not trying. I just feel overwhelmed right now. Am I not allowed to feel that way? When I feel that way am not allowed to turn to those that I care about?

I don't understand why people expect me to be there for them, but can't be there for me. Am I that bad of a person? I've made my mistakes just like anyone but in the long run I think I'm a pretty good person. I've always tried to be the best person I can be, to help those who really need it. Maybe I am overreacting, but I care. I don't like feeling this way and I want nothing more than to feel better. To get back to my old self. I just don't know if that's possible anymore. More than anything I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep until the sun comes out, the birds start singing and the lake is blue not brown

The Dream- Old Blog Number 2

2008-10-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed that I was drowning. I was in a pond, the water was dark and cold. No matter how hard I tried to keep my head above the water I couldn't. It was as though something was trying to pull me under.

You were all there. You were surrounding the pond, surrounding me. At first you had your backs turned so I called to you. I called for help. You turned and looked at me, but didn't do anything. You watched me struggle. I looked at your faces, they were like stone, hard, cold and expressionless.

I tried again to call out for help and again you all just looked at me. Watched me struggle, watched my head dip into the water and then come back up. You weren't going to help me and I couldn't save myself. I did the only thing I could do. I took one more look at all of you and then.... I let go.

September 20, 2007- Old Blog Number 1

2008-10-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

I don't claim to know everything this world has to offer, but I do know a few things for sure. The most important of these things is that tomorrow is a new day. The difficulties and struggles we face today will seem so much less important and hard tomorrow.

For all those facing troubles and turbulence in your lives, remember that this too shall pass. With each passing day it gets easier and better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but some day you will accomplish your goals and when you do you'll see the sun that always follows the rain.

Keep your head held high and never lose your dreams. Its the dreams you have that give your life a deep sense of purpose... something to strive for. Never give up on the things you believe and the dreams you have, you'll be surprised where they take you.