The World is a Stage and I'm the Actress- Old Blog Number 3

I feel like I'm stuck in this big bubble. The world that I want is on the outside and the world that I have is on the inside. The inside world has moments of shear greatness, but it seems that lately it has more moments of pain. A lot of things have happened in the past few months and they are continuing to happen. Some are good and some are bad.

I feel more lost than anything lately. Its like everything I do and everything I say is all part of an act. The world is my stage and in the past 24 years I've become a pretty decent actor. But, what happens when you just can't act anymore? I'm exhausted, I'm burned out. I don't want to get out of my bed anymore. I miss my social life. Above all else, I miss a sense of normalcy.

Have you ever felt completely alone even though you're surrounded by people? That's how I feel right now. I have tons of friends who I care deeply for, but I feel as though there's only 2 people that I can honestly talk to about the things that I'm feeling. Either the others won't get it or they really don't care about all aspects of why I feel this way.

I don't understand why people turn to me when their lives are falling apart, but when I don't feel like myself I can't turn to them. Instead of understanding and a shoulder to cry on I'm getting yelled at. I get told that I expect this person to save me and I want more from them than I really do. All of this is completely untrue. I want my friends, I want them to listen and offer advice. Ultimately I save myself. I am aware of the fact that only I can make myself happy, and its not that I'm not trying. I just feel overwhelmed right now. Am I not allowed to feel that way? When I feel that way am not allowed to turn to those that I care about?

I don't understand why people expect me to be there for them, but can't be there for me. Am I that bad of a person? I've made my mistakes just like anyone but in the long run I think I'm a pretty good person. I've always tried to be the best person I can be, to help those who really need it. Maybe I am overreacting, but I care. I don't like feeling this way and I want nothing more than to feel better. To get back to my old self. I just don't know if that's possible anymore. More than anything I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep until the sun comes out, the birds start singing and the lake is blue not brown